I don't love you.

Anyone who knows me well enough  knows that I don't exactly fall fast, but I fall hard.

If there is a guy that catches my attention for long enough....then that wont go away over night. I have been struggling with this for a while and all of my best friends know this. There was a boy that I just so happen to fall in love with. I'm talking head over heals/thought he was "the one"/retarded love. I think it is because of that love that I have grown up a lot, but at the same time I have regressed since the break up. This isn't acceptable.

People talk about love all the time. Why don't I have love? Who am I supposed to love? Should I love him when he hurts me? I am so in love...and so on and so forth.

My question to you is How do we know when love is real?

I think I found out the answer to this question recently. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that love is real when you would not only give anything for the other person, but they would do the same for you. See, this is where my love wasn't real. I see that now. When we sit here and dwell on the love we once had...we forget the bad parts. It's because our want for love is so massive that we would rather have the love we had even if it isn't real.

See I have been on the other end of one-sided love.

One-sided love is the worst kind of love. It's a kind of love that brings on emotions of regret, loss,and lonliness. It's the kind of love that shows you would do anything for that person, but they unfortunately don't feel the same. They will probably entertain your drunken phone calls, smile when they see you out in public, and even make plans with you to hang out. The truth of the matter is that quite honestly they don't give a fuck about you. The reason they still let you make a fool out of yourself from time to time...isn't because they care...it's because IT'S FUNNY. I know most of you have that ex that quite honestly just ends up being labeled not only by you, but by your group of friends as the psycho ex. I know I have a small handfull of those. You sit there in a circle of friends and tell the story about all the phone calls, stalkings, and how many times you have deleted him on faebook.

How sad is that? That we can sit here and laugh at someone who is crying themselves to sleep. They are crying themselves to sleep because you broke their heart...and we find this funny somehow. I don't understand it, but I know that I have been at both ends.

It isn't often that I hang on to someone for longer than a week. I remember in high school my best friend used to say "Oh please, you and me both know that you will have a week of pity parties and then will forget all about him." That actually was very true...until I met Jonathan Somerton. The thing about Jonathan is he never goes away. I love him, but at the same time I don't know that we can ever make it together. We have tried and tried, but it never works out. Too many what if's and not enough movement.


Then there was Cody. See Cody caught me offgaurd, because I was so used to my routine of not getting close to anyone. I was fine with my lifestyle, but he came in and boy did he change things up. The Alyssa Lee that used to house all the parties, go on spontaneous adventures, and break boys hearts....was now...domesticated? It was a whole new awesome adventure and I can't say I regret anything from it. I just kind of wish I would have grown up a little before. This is where I was flawed as a girlfriend. See, it's the whole wanting what you don't have issue. I had a lot, but I wanted more. I wanted the boyfriend that was going to buy me flowers just because it's Monday and I have had a bad weekend. It took a while, but I have recently remembered the reason that I broke up with Cody so long ago...it wasn't because we fought too much...it wasn't because he cheated on me...it was because he wasn't THE ONE. I think I knew that then but over the year that I have spent wondering what could have been I somehow forgot.

"Cody- My boyfriend is definitely my backbone in life. I know that our relationship has it’s faults and it also can be difficult, but when it is good it’s really amazing. I love the way that he looks at me when we’re about to fall asleep & kisses me when I wake up. I love the smiles from across the room & being his little housewife. I have enjoyed this past year so much and getting closer to his family has been so much fun. I love that we are still not sick of eachother and somehow manage to keep our lives interesting and the days enjoyable. Love is so much fun :)"

That's an entry from my blog I used to have. It's the 500 days of summer theme. You love love love....then you lose love and you learn to hate...hate somehow disguises itself as love...
That's completely normal is the thing. We never want to remember the bad things in life. So we alter our minds when we are focused on obtaining a certain something. In my case that something was Cody. For the longest time I had this stupid idea in my head that we were supposed to be together. When you find someone you are completely comfortable with that tends to happen. I have finally realized though that Cody and Jon were just life lessons in disguise. They were there to teach me how to love better.

Focus on the prize.
I have decided to just let the fuck GO. Just because one guy doesn't beg for my attention doesn't mean that I'm not worthy of someone else's. Yeah sure...my pride is a little shot to hell after that....but I am going to be fine. Even if I don't find someone to love I can still be happy.

So basically what I'm saying is....

Oh yeah that's right, I'm doing me.

<3