WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Today I realized. 

I want more in life. I want to help others in a bigger way...not just picking up a friend when they need a ride or giving a homeless person extra clothing. There is so much more I would like to learn and do in my life. It's one thing to talk of this, but another to actually act on it. I've been spending so much time "talking" about things that I would like to do and not actually doing them. 


When you look at me in a nutshell what have I accomplished?


I've made great friends and have lived an adventurous life, but none of that is going to be put on paper. 


On paper I am a college dropout that has just recently learned how to hold onto a decent job. 


That's it.


Yes, I have lived in 24 different houses in my 22 years and probably have enough life stories to fill 10 books....but if I'm not filling those books I feel like my life really isn't that significant. I have a mere $200 to my name today.


The holidays are about giving and I feel this year all I have to give is myself, but is that enough?


I read a blog of somebody who is very dear to my best friend today, and it inspired me to be a better person. Not just talk about it anymore.

Starting tomorrow I will make my own schedule. It's going to be a good year. 




<3


Alyssa Lee

Who I am.

I am
Alyssa Lee Linder


I love pretty much everyone. 
I cry during almost every movie. (including Transformers and X-men)
I'm upbeat and smile a lot, because I like to see others smile back.
I have insecurities as much as the other guy. 
I sometimes pull my pants up when I sit down so that I wont have a pooch when I drink.
I enjoy having fun spontaneous adventures with strangers.
I also enjoy taking long drives and listening to music.
I like to dance in the middle of the dance floor.
I sometimes like to randomly bust out 80's dance moves, just because I can. 
I'm awkward and sometimes over the top.
I talk too much, but usually that means I feel out of place. 
I ALWAYS over-analyze everything
I love kissing entirely too much.
I cry when I'm drunk, because I have issues just like the next person.
I am bad with money and rarely make the right financial decisions.
I'm adventurous and spontaneous.
I will listen to you and help you because I DO care. 
I most of the time will not believe that you're my true friend.
I have been hurt, and I am stronger because of it. 
I am capable of love, but terrible at maintaining it. 
I lie sometimes when I really like someone in fear of getting hurt. 
I break some hearts, but can't explain why. 
I will watch stupid romance movies all night and realize that something is missing. 
I will dance in the middle of an empty parking lot to Justin Timberlake or Usher. 
I will make things awkward. 
I will say the wrong things and regret it in the morning.
If you put on The Notebook I will quote the entire movie.
I never have admitted the real reason that I love Spiderman. 
I sometimes feel like I relate to boys more than girls, but love big groups of females. 
I drink too much, and like it.
I can never say no to a good time, or a friend. 
I will help you if you need me. 
I can be extremely irresponsible sometimes. 
I sometimes date younger guys, because I think that I might be scared of expectations.
I believe that comfort is probably the biggest and most important feeling for me. 
I also believe that it is EXTREMELY hard to find. 
I am forever indecisive and rarely know what I truly want. 
I am un-happy....a lot. (but I don't tell anyone)
I feel like there are only 3 people in this world I truly can rely on and trust.
I try my hardest to be an honest person, but I have a hard time being honest about how I feel.
I really would like to be closer with my family, but don't know where to start. 
If you have gotten to this point, I'm sorry my list is so long. 
I put others before myself, and I'm done trying to change that. 


I am me. 

And that's all I can be, take it or leave it.

-Alyssa Lee

Love, Actually.

Love and other drugs


When I think of love automatically I think of the love you find in a significant other. I believe this is the first thing that comes to most minds. Well, I'm going to address a different kind of love today. The kind of love you not only find in your best friends, but also in strangers, and most importantly in family.

Love itself is the most profound feeling known to human beings. It's a feeling that every single human on earth longs for and is necessary for human growth. What is missing I think in most individuals is not only searching for love in a boyfriend/girlfriend, but also harnessing love for the people who care about us...or even more difficult is showing love to people know we do not know.  Love isn't an emotion that should ever be lacking in life or in friendships. The way I have always seen it is that friendships are relationships. It's really hard to separate the two.

Love isn't who you are dating, it's who you decide to genuinely care about and share your life with. That includes not only friends and family, but strangers and significant others as well. 

It's time to stop being so self-involved, or to start being more self-involved depending on your situation. I know with me I had the hardest time giving myself the credit deserved as well as the time to myself that is necessary to love myself. There is a lot of great qualities in all of us and if we can balance all of the positive and negative, I believe we will be more apt to give love to everyone who deserves it. Also it will be easier to see the good in others when we realize the good in ourselves.

My goals for myself:

-Give more people the benefit of the doubt, and try not to be so quick to judge.
-Find out what qualities I love about myself, and focus on those instead of my negative qualities.
-Give myself more credit
-Stop over-extending myself when it isn't necessary....learn to say no.
-Get more comfortable with being alone...not only at home, but also in public.
-Don't change who I am as a person to make others happy/comfortable. Be myself, always.
-Love myself completely
-Learn to overcome the past and move forward for myself.

Thanks for listening,
Alyssa Lee

DETOX

detox [ˈdiːˌtɒks] Informal

n

(Medicine) treatment designed to rid the body of poisonous substances, esp alcohol and drugs

WELP, tonight I realized (finally) that apparently my body has a limit.

I mean....who wants to end up like this guy ^^^^

So, the next week I may or may not disappear off the face of the earth. 

I'll be doing things like......

Love 

ALYSSA LEE

FandL

Disclaimer: I have realized from my blog stats that people want to hear about love, lust, and infatuation. This is why I have decided to address love or something of the sort in each blog. So if you aren't interested in reading about things of the sort, leave now.

1. FUCKING AND LOVING: The difference and why both are important. 

Casual sex

While personally I don't feel comfortable having casual sex, it seems to be seen more and more in women and men in their early 20's to be slightly normal. Who's to tell these individuals that is wrong? The topic of casual sex always brings one thing to mind for me... Sex and the City. 

I live to believe that there is no timeline for love. You could have sex/lust over 15 guys before finding Mr. Right, while "Cindy" on the other side of town just sits around patiently waiting and doesn't find the one for the same amount of time. Who's to tell you that next Friday's one night stand wont end up being your soulmate? Or that that guy that you met in the bookstore and invited to coffee wont be the love of your life. As I have said before I do not partake in casual sex, but that's not to say that I don't understand it. 

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex.

Health-wise sex is something that is needed for personal maintenance. That doesn't mean go out and sleep with just anyone. Remember there are also a lot of sexually transmitted diseases out there to worry about, so take proper precautions loves. 

Now for the portion where we switch our focus to love.

"Love is just like someone waiting for a bus. When the bus comes, you look at it and you say to yourself "ooh...so full....no more available sit"."I'll wait for the next one". So you let the bus go and waited for the second bus. Then the second bus came, you looked at it you say, "eew...this bus is so old...so shabby!" So you let the bus leave and again, decided to wait for the next bus. "

This is pretty accurate when on the subject of love. HOLD YOUR HORSES. He/She is out there and they will be with you when it is fitting. 

You will find the right bus, don't worry. 

...also maybe you found the right bus, but you got off at the wrong stop. No one can know for sure that the bus wont come back around. So be patient. Breathe. 

<3

Alyssa Lee

Inspiration to be a better person, Lucas' story.

I was browsing the interwebz the other day, yeah I know... SUPRISING. Well, I came across this story that made my heart long to grow. Most of us feel that when in a rut or time of need that there is no one there. This is so far from the truth it's ridiculous.

I don't think that we understand how little effort it takes to make a difference.

http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/12/06/family-raises-55000-for-sons-bone-marrow-transplant-thanks-to-reddit/

It seems a lot of the articles/documentaries/posts that have caught my attention have been about helping others, and this makes me want to try harder to help people in need. I know I can't change the world, but I'll settle for changing a mood, or even just changing someone's attitude towards life.

On that note...I'll leave you all with this.

Just proves how easy change can be made.

Next time you think about hurting someone or even just talk bad about them, say something nice. Or do something nice. I promise it will be a lot more rewarding.

Thanks for listening

Alyssa Lee

Photos that make me happy.

I love my friends.



Making moves

Yesterday

Last night Robyn and I drove to Austin to try and take care of some moving business. My intention was to go to my new apartment, unload some stuff from my car, and pay rent. Now ask me how much of that I got done.... 1/3 of those I got done, and yes it was just going to my new apartment. Although I did not get anything that I was supposed to get done...I did make some moves. When I say I made some moves I am referring to good changes in life.

I enjoy sacrificing my time and well being for others on the daily. Rarely will you see me put myself first and do something good for myself. This is a lot of the reason I find my self struggling in work and at home. For some reason "no" is just not a part of my vocabulary. Often I find myself in a rut because I have over-extended myself to someone else. Now I have decided that I need to focus a little more on what is good for me, rather than what is good for everyone else. Mainly because quite honestly...I'm exhausted.

I was telling a story to my friend Frank this morning about last night. My friend Christi drank a little too much and ended up in need of assistance. After about an hour of helping her, asking what she needed, and making preparations I realized that I needed to sleep. Most of me wanted to stay and help, but I knew what I needed to do. So I passed all of responsibility to Brianna and told her that I needed to go to sleep because I had to wake up in the morning. At that time Brianna was more than happy to take over and help and I then retired to the bed for some sleep. When telling this to Frank I felt a little bit bad for not staying up with her and making sure she got to bed, but I didn't even realize that I was taking a step in the right direction. He stopped me and told me he was very proud of me for taking care of myself as well as someone else. It was true. I took care of her the best I could and I then took care of myself. Wow, and everything was perfectly fine.

This is what I need to focus on. Sure I can take care of my friends and people that I care about, but at the same time I need to remember that I have responsibilities and needs as well. This I think will help me to balance my life and work a little better.

That wasn't the only positive move I made yesterday. I have recently been drinking a lot more than usual. Going out with friends to bars has become a weekend ritual. You see I have this problem where I drink entirely too fast. This causes me to get pretty intoxicated fairly quickly sometimes. I have a very high tolerance to alcohol, but that doesn't stop me from just going way too hard sometimes. We have come to notice that when I drink too much I have this alter ego. Lets call her Assyla. Friends of mine will say that they don't even know who I am sometimes(oh assyla you crazy girl). This is a problem. That is why I have decided to learn how to pace myself better, because you don't have to get drunk to have fun. I learned last night after a night of pacing myself, that it is actually a lot more fun if you don't drink that much. I am going to lay out what I drank last night just for fun.

-vodka/redbull - 1
-vodka/cranberry- 4
-fruity shot
-fruity shot
-shot of crown (bleh)
-budlight

Cheers to pacing myself correctly :]

It's time for me to get to work, because my work ethic has not been on point lately.

Alyssa Lee

I don't love you.

Anyone who knows me well enough  knows that I don't exactly fall fast, but I fall hard.

If there is a guy that catches my attention for long enough....then that wont go away over night. I have been struggling with this for a while and all of my best friends know this. There was a boy that I just so happen to fall in love with. I'm talking head over heals/thought he was "the one"/retarded love. I think it is because of that love that I have grown up a lot, but at the same time I have regressed since the break up. This isn't acceptable.

People talk about love all the time. Why don't I have love? Who am I supposed to love? Should I love him when he hurts me? I am so in love...and so on and so forth.

My question to you is How do we know when love is real?

I think I found out the answer to this question recently. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that love is real when you would not only give anything for the other person, but they would do the same for you. See, this is where my love wasn't real. I see that now. When we sit here and dwell on the love we once had...we forget the bad parts. It's because our want for love is so massive that we would rather have the love we had even if it isn't real.

See I have been on the other end of one-sided love.

One-sided love is the worst kind of love. It's a kind of love that brings on emotions of regret, loss,and lonliness. It's the kind of love that shows you would do anything for that person, but they unfortunately don't feel the same. They will probably entertain your drunken phone calls, smile when they see you out in public, and even make plans with you to hang out. The truth of the matter is that quite honestly they don't give a fuck about you. The reason they still let you make a fool out of yourself from time to time...isn't because they care...it's because IT'S FUNNY. I know most of you have that ex that quite honestly just ends up being labeled not only by you, but by your group of friends as the psycho ex. I know I have a small handfull of those. You sit there in a circle of friends and tell the story about all the phone calls, stalkings, and how many times you have deleted him on faebook.

How sad is that? That we can sit here and laugh at someone who is crying themselves to sleep. They are crying themselves to sleep because you broke their heart...and we find this funny somehow. I don't understand it, but I know that I have been at both ends.

It isn't often that I hang on to someone for longer than a week. I remember in high school my best friend used to say "Oh please, you and me both know that you will have a week of pity parties and then will forget all about him." That actually was very true...until I met Jonathan Somerton. The thing about Jonathan is he never goes away. I love him, but at the same time I don't know that we can ever make it together. We have tried and tried, but it never works out. Too many what if's and not enough movement.


Then there was Cody. See Cody caught me offgaurd, because I was so used to my routine of not getting close to anyone. I was fine with my lifestyle, but he came in and boy did he change things up. The Alyssa Lee that used to house all the parties, go on spontaneous adventures, and break boys hearts....was now...domesticated? It was a whole new awesome adventure and I can't say I regret anything from it. I just kind of wish I would have grown up a little before. This is where I was flawed as a girlfriend. See, it's the whole wanting what you don't have issue. I had a lot, but I wanted more. I wanted the boyfriend that was going to buy me flowers just because it's Monday and I have had a bad weekend. It took a while, but I have recently remembered the reason that I broke up with Cody so long ago...it wasn't because we fought too much...it wasn't because he cheated on me...it was because he wasn't THE ONE. I think I knew that then but over the year that I have spent wondering what could have been I somehow forgot.

"Cody- My boyfriend is definitely my backbone in life. I know that our relationship has it’s faults and it also can be difficult, but when it is good it’s really amazing. I love the way that he looks at me when we’re about to fall asleep & kisses me when I wake up. I love the smiles from across the room & being his little housewife. I have enjoyed this past year so much and getting closer to his family has been so much fun. I love that we are still not sick of eachother and somehow manage to keep our lives interesting and the days enjoyable. Love is so much fun :)"

That's an entry from my blog I used to have. It's the 500 days of summer theme. You love love love....then you lose love and you learn to hate...hate somehow disguises itself as love...
That's completely normal is the thing. We never want to remember the bad things in life. So we alter our minds when we are focused on obtaining a certain something. In my case that something was Cody. For the longest time I had this stupid idea in my head that we were supposed to be together. When you find someone you are completely comfortable with that tends to happen. I have finally realized though that Cody and Jon were just life lessons in disguise. They were there to teach me how to love better.

Focus on the prize.
I have decided to just let the fuck GO. Just because one guy doesn't beg for my attention doesn't mean that I'm not worthy of someone else's. Yeah sure...my pride is a little shot to hell after that....but I am going to be fine. Even if I don't find someone to love I can still be happy.

So basically what I'm saying is....

Oh yeah that's right, I'm doing me.

<3

Well,

I have always wanted to keep a blog, but due to my short attention span and problem with keeping up with things, they seem to always fail. I figure I'll give it another shot...mainly because my life is pretty entertaining and constantly changing. Seems it'd be nice to have a spot to express my feelings and obstacles in life. What better time then now? Let's start with my blog name. It's french for Oh the life of Alyssa Lee and only seemed fitting.

Where to start...well I seem to live a pretty complex, yet awesome life. I don't have much to complain about right now. I am about to move to Austin, Tx in about 4 days to start a whole new adventure. Which I am thuroughly excited about because I have a plethora of awesome people waiting there for me, including my new roommate Andrea!

If I had to use one word to describe my life I would have to use the word ADVENTUROUS.

Why? Well, it isn't uncommon to find me asking one of my friends "you wanna go on an adventure?" When you are in the company of Alyssa Lee you can even turn a trip to the grocery store an adventure. I guess I have always had a vivid imagination and a love for spontaneity and making people smile.

Well I guess I'm using this blog to kind of help you to better understand me as an individual. I guess also so I can understand myself and what I want in life as well.

One phrase I seem to take to another level would probably be "What's mine is yours"

Ever since I can remember I have always pretty much opened my life to anyone and everyone. I remember as a kid we always had a maid...well I was the kid that was trying to learn spanish and giving them all my toys to take to Mexico. This is not always a good quality, but it is just the way it is with me. For this reason I have taken in many friends in their time of need and just being able to help people out is really enough for me. So what I have had a massive amount of material things stolen from me. I have also been given so much. I have made friends with some of the most pure souls out there. Yes, everyone has their demons and occasionally people aren't what you want them to be...but at the same time I would pretty much do anything for any one of my friends. I probably would do anything for someone who isn't even my friend.

Which leads me to my best friend Brianna Grace
When I was younger we moved around a lot. By a lot I mean every year I was in a different elementary school. It was fun and exciting, but at the same time I had a hard time making and keeping good friends. My first actual best friend I didn't find until my junior year in high school. I honestly found my soulmate and I cannot imagine life without this girl. She picks me up when I get knocked down, she's always there to listen to me vent or talk a million words a  second when I'm excited, and I am so lucky to be able to call this girl my best friend. If you asked me today one person that I think will be there till the day I die...I wouldn't say my mother or father....I would say Brianna Provenza. With no question. She's my sister, my therapist, and my guiding light.

Alright it's time for a closing statement...
I could sit here all day and talk about life, so I'm gonna go ahead and end this blog entry here. Thanks for listening. <3

Alyssa Lee.