Saturday, February 4, 2012

Okay if I don't talk about this I'm going to scream.

I think everyone is a little bit broken. I'm not meaning broken in a literal sense, but in parts of life. We all know that picture in our heads when we imagine a girl that is hiding behind a smile. The life of the party girl that on the outside looks like she's got it all figured out when you and I both know that she's really lost.

Last year at this time my heart broke. Hearts are like cars...when they break down it can either be a quick fix or a lot of little things that add up to a massive engine failure. Personally I have terrible luck with cars. I believe that I can honestly say that it mirrors my success in dating.

You know that feeling when you get a brand new are over the top excited. You want to drive it all over town, show it off to all your friends, and constantly talk about it. Then over time you have fender benders, sometimes you run out of gas and get stranded on the side of the road, or one of your friends doesn't like your new car and will make fun at your expense.

Sound familiar?

See for me, I am constantly messing up my cars, which forces me to get a new car. I'm tired. Tired of messing up cars and relationships. I'm tired of feeling hurt. I'm tired of feeling anything.

That's what scares me. If true love exists then I've had it. I'm okay with that and I'm pretty sure you don't find true love more than once. Which leads me back to the part of the story where I tell you all that I'm broken.

Broken as well as broken down. I feel like I have had a head on collision and survived. I'm okay...I'm living and breathing and doing everything that I'm told to do. That doesn't change the fact that my car I once loved and showed off to the world is completely totaled. You don't come back from that easily.

What they don't tell you about dating is that it's exhausting. All the pretending and trying to relate to someone that you know in a week wont matter is pure crap. I have this problem where I build guys up to bring them down. I don't do this on purpose...I just feel like I am broken. I'm closer and closer to settling. I've always thought that I was going to have this big romantic love story and be happy with a great little family. Now I have this almost certain feeling that I'm going to be alone forever. I find myself struggling with thoughts of settling just so that I can have the chance for a family in the future. It's like I find guys that are EXACTLY what I wanted when I was in love, but I build them up in my head the first couple days and then I flip a switch. I talk them up to myself just to talk myself out of it.

He's so nice! Oh he took me out, paid for everything, and we like all of the same things. I really like this boy! This time it's different, because he's so perfect. My parents love him and keep telling me I have to date him. I think he's so freakin cute! He bought me flowers and took me to my FAVORITE restaurant...I'm telling you...this is the one. I have a new boyfriend!

.....2 weeks later....

He's so annoying I want to shoot myself when he speaks. WOW he is so dumb. I get annoyed with every word he says. Dude, he's so needy it's ridiculous. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. Maybe if I just ignor him he'll take a hint. Is it weird that I don't even want to kiss him. I dunno...he's just kind of weird. He gets drunk after 2 beers! Who does that!?


I find myself going back and forth with it.

Yet I still get into these relationships that are obnoxiously predictable. My friend Andy told me that he thinks I'm trying to force myself into relationships that I'm not ready for. Trying to find that guy that is textbook and way too similar to my ex. When am I going to be ready? Is there ever going to be a time when I completely stop missing what I had?

You know I am starting to think that it's not going to happen for me. It's not going to stop...but it will get easier. It will maybe even get to a point where my heart doesn't sink into my stomach when I run across old pictures of us hidden in my apartment. I might even find someone to fall for.

Until then....I am broken.

but at least now I can accept it. I am quitting dating.


  1. OMG. This entry speaks to me!

    My car is always falling apart, and so are my male relations. I'm broken, but career driven, so until the next chapter, cheers to emotional availability and new vibrators :)

    i love you so much!

    1. CHEERS to that. Speaking of the pink princess....I'll be texting you later on that subject. HAHAHA.

      I love you too and I think we'll figure it out. We have a lot to offer and we're allowed to be picky with who we offer it to.

      Unil the next romantic chapter at least I have some great girlfriends to cuddle with.

  2. If you are choosing to believe in true love then u should know that by definition true love lasts forever and is never one sided.
    If your relationship ended then it wasn't meant to be and it wasn't true love.
    So even if it does come only once in a lifetime you still have a chance to find it.
    Stop being so down on your self. Good things happen when u least expect them so stop looking for love and let it find you, and if your not ready then your not ready, there is no time limit for getting over someone. Just keep faith in the fact that you WILL get over them. Your man is out there. Stop whining about being broken and go fix your self!

  3. I understand you totally when you say that how you see yourself and how the world sees you is different. I think that's normal but then we are made of the same genetic material. As for settling...NEVER do it! If you are feeling that way will you feel after a month, a year, a lifetime? It's foolish to say that you will without a doubt, 100%, for sure, no question find a soulmate in world with a 70+% divorce rate but it does happen.

    My take is that you keep being true to yourself and realize that the scared, insecure, broken person YOU see when you look in the mirror is the absolute SUNSHINE in many people's life. So keep trudging along...fix the problems you can and don't sweat the ones you can't. Some day you'll find that even when you're alone you'll be happy. You can NEVER depend on someone else for your own happiness. It's a recipe for disaster.

    You're not nearly as broken as you might me on this one.