I think everyone is a little bit broken. I'm not meaning broken in a literal sense, but in parts of life. We all know that picture in our heads when we imagine a girl that is hiding behind a smile. The life of the party girl that on the outside looks like she's got it all figured out when you and I both know that she's really lost.
Last year at this time my heart broke. Hearts are like cars...when they break down it can either be a quick fix or a lot of little things that add up to a massive engine failure. Personally I have terrible luck with cars. I believe that I can honestly say that it mirrors my success in dating.
What they don't tell you about dating is that it's exhausting. All the pretending and trying to relate to someone that you know in a week wont matter is pure crap. I have this problem where I build guys up to bring them down. I don't do this on purpose...I just feel like I am broken. I'm closer and closer to settling. I've always thought that I was going to have this big romantic love story and be happy with a great little family. Now I have this almost certain feeling that I'm going to be alone forever. I find myself struggling with thoughts of settling just so that I can have the chance for a family in the future. It's like I find guys that are EXACTLY what I wanted when I was in love, but I build them up in my head the first couple days and then I flip a switch. I talk them up to myself just to talk myself out of it.
He's so nice! Oh he took me out, paid for everything, and we like all of the same things. I really like this boy! This time it's different, because he's so perfect. My parents love him and keep telling me I have to date him. I think he's so freakin cute! He bought me flowers and took me to my FAVORITE restaurant...I'm telling you...this is the one. I have a new boyfriend!
.....2 weeks later....
He's so annoying I want to shoot myself when he speaks. WOW he is so dumb. I get annoyed with every word he says. Dude, he's so needy it's ridiculous. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. Maybe if I just ignor him he'll take a hint. Is it weird that I don't even want to kiss him. I dunno...he's just kind of weird. He gets drunk after 2 beers! Who does that!?
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!?
I find myself going back and forth with it.
Yet I still get into these relationships that are obnoxiously predictable. My friend Andy told me that he thinks I'm trying to force myself into relationships that I'm not ready for. Trying to find that guy that is textbook and way too similar to my ex. When am I going to be ready? Is there ever going to be a time when I completely stop missing what I had?
You know I am starting to think that it's not going to happen for me. It's not going to stop...but it will get easier. It will maybe even get to a point where my heart doesn't sink into my stomach when I run across old pictures of us hidden in my apartment. I might even find someone to fall for.
Until then....I am broken.
but at least now I can accept it. I am quitting dating.